"Have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourselves to
each other in marriage?"
"Will you love and honor each other as man and wife for the rest of your
lives?"
"Will you accept children lovingly from God, and bring them up according to
the law of Christ and his Church?"
What was going on inside of you as you shared these vows? What feelings did you feel? Were you nervous about saying yes to any of the vows and the implications it could have for your life?
How do you live out your marriage vows today in your marriage? (Examples: How do you give yourselves to each other, how are you open to life, how do your live out fidelity to one another, how do you lay down your life for your spouse, how does your marriage covenant include God in your ordinary daily living?)
Do your marriage vows have a deeper meaning to you now; after you have been married (mention how many years you have been married)?
I can honestly say that I did not feel any hesitation to any of our marriage vows. There wasn't any doubt or last minute jitters for me. We have friends who did have the last minute jitters and they have since seperated but are now trying to work things out. I sometimes wonder if there was ever any correlation.
ReplyDeleteWe have been married for over 5 years and aside from disagreements or getting on each other's nerves (smile honey) here and there, things have been pretty smooth. On a daily basis?...Tommy always kisses me good morning and good night. And we both normally go to bed at the same time with the exception of his watching a movie that I cannot stay up for :) We try to eat dinner together as a family but it is really a challenge sometimes -I am vegetarian, Tommy is a carnivore, our 6 month old daughter only wants a bottle and pureed sweet potatoes while our 2 year old perfers "snacks" over dinner.
Regarding fidelity.. we really do not ever have any distrust. In fact, my mother describes Tommy as "true blue" and says she would probably laugh at me if I ever told her that he was abusive or unfaithful.
We often discuss co workers who we are friendly with, but do not have the same outlook on marriage and being faithful. We do not understand how they live this way.
We both feel that we need to become more active in our Parish to strenghten our faith and teach our children about God. But going to Church as a family is so difficult with the girls being so young.
Christi, thanks for often breaking the ice and being the first to respond. Your comments are always so thoughtful.
ReplyDeleteSimilar to you, my wife and I did not have any hesitations on our wedding day sharing our vows with one another. Perhaps it was because we had talked about our promises, vows and understanding of marriage so much before the wedding. That is part of the reason for this blog to help all couples experience their promises and vows in a deeper way. Whether we went in having talked about them or not.
I am glad to hear that your friends are working to repair their relationship. A helpful resource could be a Retrouvaille weekend (see link to the right). Retrouvaille is a Catholic intensive weekend that helps couples in difficult marriages learn to communicate with one another in a healthy manner. Some couples have reunited even after a divorce. www.retrouvaille.org
As for going to Mass with yound ones, we have three under six and it can be a challenge. Just this Sunday I was at Mass with only my six year old but still found myself continually looking down to see who might be acting up - force of habit. While difficult, we find it fruitful for our family to worship God together each week. It is not as fruitful for us individually but as a family it has great benefits...it would be good to hear others experiences on this as well.
Peace.
Great questions... Maureen and I agree that we were both totally committed to the promises we were making, without any sense of cold feet or reservations. For myself, I was plainly aware of all the prep-work God had already put into me, and grateful to Him that all this prep work had succeeded in preparing me for this awesome woman :-) (my wife is sitting right next to me, I'm speaking the love langauge of "words of affirmation"!) So, I had a sense of total presence to the vows I was making and a sense of peace in the moment.
ReplyDeleteAs for how we live out the vows, there are lots of ways, namely "Peter," "Michael," and "insert name of third child due in July here" Haha! Seriously, with two closely-spaced not-so-older older children we had discerned that God was calling us to try not to get pregnant, so we were using NFP this fall when we found out that Maureen was pregnant with our third; we had a bit of a mixture of emotions on initial blush, and found ourselves face to face with our own vows to "welcome children lovingly". We experienced both excitement and a sense of "oh dear," but with time and prayer a clear underlying knowledge that we both love God and His plans for our family we have come to a point of enthusiasm. Bring on three in diapers!
As another practical way of living out our vows, we have found it useful to use Gary Chapman's book the Five Love Languages to be more effective in taking care of one another. Great book for anyone who hasn't come across it.
Patrick & Maureen
Wow Patrick and Maureen - I really enjoyed reading your comments. Congratulations on your upcoming July baby!!!
ReplyDeleteTommy and I felt the same way when we found out we were pregnant with #2 and our daughter was just 10 months old. I can only imagine the feelings when # 3 comes along. We barely spoke for the first day or so - mainly out of shock and fear of how we were going to handle it and afford it. But that gentle reminder that God gave us this wonderful miracle helped us to be joyful and welcome him/her into the world. We never found out the sex of either of our children and thought that God was granting us the ultimate surprise. I think that was His way of making birth "fun" for us. Although somehow Tommy always finds a way to complain about how uncomfortable he was on that little couch in the hospital room... Poor guy...
Now we couldn't be happier with our little family and thank God for surprises.
Patrick and Christi, what great comments and trust in the Lord for your families.
ReplyDeleteThe book that Patrick mentioned, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is an incredible book and has helped transform many marriages.
You can find more at
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
and even take a short quiz to discover your and your spouses love languages.
While saying our vows I was completely calm and didn't think twice about anything, I just knew this was right.
ReplyDeleteI truly live by: "What would Christi want or what would Christi do?" Not saying we agree on everything but I always think of my family to make the right decisions. Meaning I honor every word we said before God and I will never dishonor our vows.
I think everyday I fall deeper in love with my wife, to see her being such a great mother to just being a great person and it doesn't seem like we been married 5 years, I still feel like we are newlyweds.
The words spoken and the vows taken were words that were easily spoken for us, as we were both smiling from ear to ear while following the priest's reminders on what to say, using a whispered tone "please repeat after me...."
ReplyDeleteThose words, a covenant, have taken on completely new meaning for us as we approach our six year anniversary and are new at this thing called "marriage." We live out our vows by writing love notes on the kitchen counter using cheerios or post-it notes, we love to see each other smile just by doing something without being asked, by changing that diaper that begs to be changed, by praying together, through encouraging each other to achieve personal dreams, patiently loving our children even when all three (4,3 & 2) are screaming, and saying, "I'm sorry" to the other even when the hurt was unintentional.
These are some of the ways we live out our marital vows, putting meat on the bones of the words exchanged on our wedding day. The surprise is, you can't read about these things before marriage. Marital love seems to make the words come to life and that life gives new meanings and perspectives...maybe this is in some ways, how God's grace comes in?
Laura & Mike
How are we living our marriage covenant? To love as Christ loves means service. I think I have evolved in my understanding of service since we got married, with the greatest growth occurring after having children. I wonder if this is true for anyone else. I don't think I had a clue about what service really meant as a single person. Going to a soup kitchen once a month is not equivalent to taking care of extremely needy and dependent (though very cute) little people. (Can you tell I was pushing a double stroller up a large hill today?!) Having children teaches you what service really means, and it has, I think, had a good trickle-down effect on my desire and ability to serve my husband. He, in turn, has always been an incredible servant, and continues to be one. (He stands in line for me at DMV!!!)
ReplyDeleteBeing open to welcoming new lives has also brought new strength to our marriage.
Great comments. Tommy, I was just telling my wife a few days ago that I felt like I was falling in love with her in deeper ways each day...that is such a blessing of marriage that I knew cognitively, but did not know what it would feel/look like in reality.
ReplyDeleteYou are right Laura and Mike, you don't know what the future will be like and it is up to us how we "put meat on the bones of the words exchanged". This is what living the sacrament means - what do we do with the words we shared.
Julie, I agree with you that the greatest change in me and our marriage occured after we had our first child (and each child since). Having children allowed us to unite together all the more. Not just as husband and wife, but as Father and Mother on another joint lifetime mission (to raise these boys!). I thought I was pretty good at being selfless until children (OK, I wasn't that great but thought I was good at it from time to time). Children require selflessness and when I fall short of this, I can see them picking up my bad habits. It is quite discouraging to see my shortcomings coming out in my children and it is motivation to change.
When Teresa and were married, the "company" that we stood in front of and more importantly with were not your typical participants. As I mentioned in a previous comment, Teresa's father was a Permanent Deacon and he performed the ceremony.
ReplyDeleteWe had both been married before and we each had 2 children, and they were our wedding party along with my brother and one of Teresa's sisters. All of the people on the altar with us were very special to us, and when we made our vows, they were affected by them as much as we were.
As for the vows themselves, coming freely for us could have been changed to coming anxiously! We had originally scheduled our wedding day for May 15, 1997, but delays in Teresa's annulment caused us to postpone for a year. On May 16, 1998, we both came freely and without reservation.
Our love and honor for each other was very strong on our wedding day, and it has grown stronger ever since.
As far as accepting children into our marriage, we were each accepting 2 new children in addition to our own. If it were in God's plan, we would have accepted more, but we are thankful that He decided that 4 children were enough!
When we exchanged our vows, I was so completely happy! I was marrying the woman for whom I had feelings for 25 years. Our lives had crossed paths after so many years apart. God had brought Teresa back into my life, and I could not have been more happy than I was on that day!
Today, Teresa and are best friends, we share so much together, and we communicate well with each other. The biggest thing is that we have learned to listen to each other without judgement, and we accept the fact that it's OK for us to have different feelings about certain things.
We spend at least 20 minutes a day sharing our feelings with each other on various topics. This has really given us a chance to get to understand each other much better. It's not always easy sharing feelings, but if you do you will gain a much better understanding of your spouse.
Teresa lost both of her parents last year. Watching their love for each other as well as Teresa's love and care for them while they were sick has given me a much better understanding of "Until death do we part" and "In sickness and in health". We have seen our vows lived out through these events, and we have been given a wonderful example of how to live these vows. We both know that we are there for each other, no matter what.
I was nervous and excited when Casey & I exchanged our marriage vows, and we have been married for 11 years now! We argue, but it’s almost a joke now that we are of different opinions on many topics. Having children (little people with big ears!) around has also made us more mindful of our arguments, and we strive to be affectionate or joking about our disagreements.
ReplyDeleteWe have three children (now ages 7, 3, & 18 months). Like others have mentioned, we go to church as a family (sitting in the back pew!), have dinner together most nights, pray with the kids at bedtime, and also try to talk to each other after the kids have gone to bed.
The arrival of each baby changed our lives, and I agree that they have deepened our commitment to each other. For me, a big change came when we decided together that I should stay at home with our baby. Suddenly, I ran smack into my selfish fear of becoming “invisible” – putting others’ needs before my own wants, and becoming a servant. My life wasn’t my own anymore! It was about dying to self, and putting love (and faith) into action. And Casey was so supportive during my “mid-life crisis”! He praised my unsure new-parent efforts with our son, reminded me that this was a temporary phase in our lives, and how important I was to the family. He never complained about being the sole breadwinner. He was a proud and joyful father. We were no longer a couple, just husband and wife; we had different roles in our mini-family, but we became more complete partners in our marriage. We’re continuing to try to improve our communication (it’s nice to read each other’s blog comments and reflect on our marriage this way).
I’ve been reading more about the saints lately, and am inspired by St. Therese of Lisieux, the Little Flower’s “Little Way.” I think that marriage definitely requires that view of smallness in deeds, but greatness in love.
I have been married four years and it exactly what I have hoped and dreamed for in a wife and life. I am fully contented except In small ways such as I dream of adventure almost constantly, I dream of a biger house in a better neighborhood, and I dream of being being closer to my multiple siblings who were my best friends growing up. I try to live covenant with my wife and two toddlers by giving myself to them. I have structured my life with the priority that they are first whether it is attending optional work or social events vs. helping my wife or watching the kids while does something she needs. I have tried to remove my attachments to things and events but it is hard because I married late and I have lots of attachments and interests. I grew up with a family Rosary most nights and I marvel that my family was able to do so since it is so hard to carve out prayer and spiritual reading time.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I will celebrate our 5th anniversary next month. I think our vows have taken on a deeper meaning for me over the years. In a lot of ways it has been easy for me to live them out. It doesn't feel like a burden - quite the opposite most of the time. But I think it was hard after the birth of my daughter, because I was giving so much time and energy to her that it was hard to save anything for my hubby. I think it has gotten more balanced out now, but we still are looking for ways to keep God as part of our covenant, both through family prayer and activities and ministries in the church. We used to do a lot of volunteer work at church together, but now that we are parents we have had to step back. My hubby still volunteers a lot, so I give to him by letting him do the ministries he loves, even if it means he is gone for a weekend retreat, but he has given to me by cutting down on some of his activities so that we have more time together, and so that I can do some things, too. Parenthood has definitely taught us a new dimension of service, which has deepened our sense of sacrificing for each other and for our daughter.
ReplyDeleteI don't recall being nervous about taking our vows. I think they were an open acknowledgment of how we both felt for some time.
ReplyDeleteAs for living our vows, I seem to recall after our second child that I knew this wasn't our last one. Almost 3 years later we had our wonderful third child. We were nervous at the thought of caring for all three, but they start to be self-sufficient at some point (our oldest is 7) and give us a little time to ourselves.